Quidditas Independent School For Boys and Girls
It is with great pleasure that we send out this end of year report to you, dear parents, marking as it does our first year as Head Lady Master of the school.
Following a most generous donation by a Middle Eastern gentleman – an alumnus of the school – who wishes to remain anonymous, we are pleased to announce that the Lower Sixth desert expedition to Gilf Kebir in search of the rock of Afsana will go ahead as planned as will the refurbishment of Quants Hall including the Shooting Range where new safety measures will be introduced following that unfortunate incident last term involving a year ten boarder and a senior member of the Sapphic Club and which club, despite a petition from members of the rival Devil’s Advocate Guild, has not been closed down. The club will mark its centenary in the forthcoming Michaelmas term by staging a musical production of Miss Settles play Beautiful Girls, Towards You My Thoughts Will Never Change. In more good news, Miss Settle will be continuing with her self-defence classes following the decision by the local Constabulary not to proceed with the charge against her of assault following her intervention in a fight between her girls and some interloping male townies at the local hostelry.
Toward the end of Trinity Term our former Headmaster, Antoon Longbeard III, paid us a visit intending to give a shortened version of his annual three-hour lecture to the Upper Sixth, Soliloquy On Aeonics With Reference To Acausal Time And The Arabic Alchemy Of Al-Andalus in preparation for which we scheduled an exeat weekend resulting in attendance being limited to the few pupils who could not get away in time, plus Janitor Plunge and Head Groundsman Miss Tree. Antoon Longbeard III, always a stickler for upholding the sterling tradition of former Headmasters, was afterwards spotted asleep leaning against Big Oak, on the boundary of the First Eleven cricket pitch, clutching an empty bottle of a 12 year old single malt. Later that evening Miss Tree discovered him wandering aimlessly around the pond in Much Startling village having singed his beard and Tweed jacket after overfilling his prized briar pipe. We wish him well in his retirement.
Finally, we are sad to report that former Head Boy, Sefton Dolittle, while pursuing his childhood ambition to own the Star of Southern Rhodesia diamond, was apprehended in the vaults of a well-known London jeweller and has now begun a seven year holiday at Her Majesty’s pleasure.
We remain yours truly,
Head Lady Master